THANK YOU JAN HALF BAKED CRACK

There is no need to worry, as HMV, despite being in administration due to the pincer movement of downloads, streaming, online sales and AmazonвЂ™s tax avoidance, have agreed to honour the tokens. Thank you very much for the record tokens you sent me for Christmas this year. I agree that we should all practise with them by stabbing things, perhaps our own feet? And yes, you are right, hands are probably better than feet, but some feet could pass for hands and have been quite вЂhandifiedвЂ™. They will, as you suggest, come in handy in fighting the civil war that is sure to engulf the country if вЂthe will of the people is not respectedвЂ™. Thank you very much for the set of illegal zombie knives you sent me for Christmas this year. I donвЂ™t know if I agree with you that вЂHitler had some good ideas, he just put them into practice badlyвЂ™

Not a lot of people know that!вЂќ Dear Auntie Eva. As Mrs Gove said to Michael Gove on Brexit day, вЂYou were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!вЂ™ YouвЂ™re right, though, Lady Caine seems very elegant and вЂwesternisedвЂ™ and is not like the other Muslims. It is interesting how things in the 60s were different to things in the 40s and things now are different to things in both those times, though some other things have stayed the same, or gone back to what they were like in the first place, having been different for a period of time in the middle, which was bad. Thank you very much for the autobiography of Michael Caine that you gave us for Christmas this year. And yes, you are right, she is вЂnot like the othersвЂ™ and is вЂquite westernised, reallyвЂ™. It was kind of the woman in the chemistвЂ™s to let you have them. I will put them in the Anderson shelter in the cellar with the inhalers and the rabies vaccine to stockpile in the event of no-deal Brexit medicine shortages. Thank you very much for the leftover high blood pressure tablets, flatus filters and spare suppositories you gave us for Christmas this year. It made fun of both sides! IвЂ™ll have вЂ™alf!! Brexit means Brexit!!!вЂќ And yes, Barbie from Love Thy Neighbour was a lovely girl. I will put them in the Anderson shelter in the cellar to use as hard currency in the event of a no-deal Brexit. Thank you for the book vouchers you gave us for Christmas this year. YouвЂ™re right, though, the man in the corner shop is вЂlovelyвЂ™ and is вЂnot like the othersвЂ™.вЂќ I think you will find, however, that вЂour coloured friendsвЂ™ will still be here, as they are from Africa and Pakistan, not Poland. I understand that you remember the war and what fun it was, especially jiving with the GIs in exchange for nylons and so you are doubtless looking forward to the camaraderie the coming hard times will generate in dancehall toilets and picture house cloakrooms.

I will put these in the Anderson shelter in the cellar with the cheese crackers to stock-pile in the event of no-deal Brexit food shortages. Thank you very much for the four pack of baked beans and the toilet roll you gave us for Christmas this year. It is lucky we will be leaving the EU in March so we can stop wearing them, as the stupid red tape from Brussels will no longer apply. Toxic nitrogen dioxide levels are 50% more than EU legal limits outside our kidsвЂ™ schools here in London, so the masks are sure to come in handy in order to help us respire. Thank you very much for the Chinese air pollution masks you gave us for Christmas this year.

And now it is time to write these saboteurs their thank-you letters. They are also thicker than eggnog, thicker than HarveyвЂ™s Bristol Cream, thicker even than SainsburyвЂ™s Turkey Gravy mixed with the actual fatty juices of the bird and then left congealed in a Pyrexв„ў pint jug for five days, until finally scraped away by a hungover uncle into a squirrel-gnawed council food recycling bin. And so are your elderly Brexit-voting racist relatives.

THANK YOU JAN HALF BAKED CRACK

T he new year slips in, tailgating quietly through the closing crack of the old, and the elderly Brexit-voting racist relatives you tolerated through gritted skull over the festive season, their presence turning Christmas into a three-dimensional LBC phone-in, to be survived only by the anaesthetic of alcohol, have departed.Д«ut blood is thicker than water.

Thank you jan half baked